Mathematics

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnant

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

INCLINATION TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

NEVER lie to a smart woman

A man called home to his wife and said:

"Honey, I've been asked to go fishing in canada with my boss and friends. We'll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could u please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod, & fishing box..

We're leaving from office and I will swing by the house to pick my things.

Oohh..!! Please pack my new blue silk pijamas... :) "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy. But being a good wife, she did exactly as her husband said.

The following weekend, he came home a little tired but looking good.

The wife welcomed him and asked if he caught many fishes?

He said:
"Yes!! A lots of salmon, some bluegills and a few swordfish. But why didn't u pack my new blue silk pijamas like I asked u to?"

(Hahaha, you will love the answer) The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box...!"

Salad

Mrs. Angelin : " Do you like salad ? " Ny. Paidin ; " Yes, five time a day ". Mrs. Angeline : Woowww..., what kind a dress do you like for salad ?". Ny. Paidin : " Mukena ! ". Mrs. Angeline : ???????

Sekertaris

Catatan Harian seorang direktur:

Minggu lalu, ultahku yang ke-30th!
Aku turun sarapan dengan harapan istriku ingat & mengucapkan dengan penuh mesra  “Selamat Ultah ya Suamiku Sayang".
 
Waktu berlalu, istriku sama sekali tidak mengucapkan sesuatu!  Ya, itulah istriku!
 
Mungkin anak2ku ingat, Ultah papanya.
Tapi ternyata anak2 datang ke meja utk sarapan, mereka pun tidak berucap satu katapun kepadaku.
 
Akhirnya aku berangkat kerja dengan rasa Sedih!
 
Aku masuk ke ruanganku,
sekretarisku, Ecy menyapaku
“Pagi Pak, Selamat ulang tahun“
Aku merasa sedikit terobati, sebab sekretarisku mengingat hari ulang tahunku.
 
Jam makan siang, Ecy mengetuk pintu ruanganku “Apakah Bapak tdk sadar bahwa hari ini begitu cerah,  hari ultah Bapak, mari kita pergi lunch"
 
“Wow, itu Ide yg baik! Ok, mari kita pergi lunch“
 
Kami pun pergi makan siang berdua.
 
Stlh lunch, Ecy berkata “Ini adlh hari yg indah, kita tdk perlu kembali ke kantor kan Pak?“
 
Saya mengangguk!
 
Lalu Ecy mengajak saya mampir ke apartemennya.
 
Setiba di apartemennya, dia berkata “Pak, maaf tunggu sebentar, saya mau ke ruang tidur melepaskan sesuatu agar lebih nyaman“.
 
"Okay !!! " sahutku dgn gembira. "Pasti ML nech ;) " pikiranku nakal.....
 
Ecy masuk ke kamar tidur. Kira-kira 10 menit kmudian................
Ecy keluar membawa KUE ultah, diiringi Istri n anak2ku serta sejumlah rekan kerjaku sambil bernyanyi 'Selamat Ulang Tahun'  
Sementara aku...... duduk TERPAKU di atas sofa, dgn TELANJANG tanpa sehelai benangpun... !!
Salam Sehat
dr.Handry
Follow my tweet : @h4ndry
my blog http://kodomu.blogspot.com

Kumpulan humor2 Lama

Dr : Apa keluhan anda?
Pasien : Anu dok.., mual dan muntah Dr : Buang airnya bagaimana?
Pasien : Ya, biasa dok! Jongkoklah.. __________________

Pembeli : Mas, berapa jeruknya sekilo?
Pemjual : 5000 rupiah Pembeli : Wah! Manis gak, mas? Penjual : Dijamin manis, bu, Kalau asem gak usah bayar deh! Pembeli : Tolong bungkus sekilo yang asem yah. __________________

Suami : Bu, bu.. Bangun! Istri : Ada apa sih, pak. Suami : Tadi aku ke WC, pas buka pintu lampunya menyala, dan pas aku tutup lampunya mati. Istri : Ya ampun..., Bapak kencing di kulkas lagi ya...? ___________________

Ali batal menikah, karena ceweknya memilih cowok lain. Padahal Ali telah membeli cincin kawin yang mahal harganya.
Cowok : Temukan aku pada cowok pilihan kamu.
Cewek : Tidak, aku gak mau kalian berkelahi.
Cowok : Siapa yang mau berantem? Aku cuma mau jual cincin ini koq! ___________________

Cewek : Mas merokok gak?
Cowok : Tidak
Cewek : Mas suka minum miras gak?
Cowok : Tidak
Cewk : Mas suka judi gak?
Cowok : Tidak Cewek : Mas suka main perempuan?
Cowok : Tidak
Cewek : Hobby mas apaan dong?
Cowok: Bo'ong...
___________________

Di Rumah Sakit Jiwa
DR : Man, sedang apa kau?
Pasien : Sedang tulis surat, Dok! DR : Ooh, untuk siapa Man?
Pasien : Untuk saya sendiri. DR : Isi suratnya apa, Man?
Pasien : Gak tau, Dok! 'kan sampainya baru besok.

How Many Children

God decided to encourage people to have fewer children and introduced an award scheme.

During the procedure at one point, he concentrated on learning about the situation in India :
He first met Jawaharlal Nehru in heaven, and asked him how many children he  had during his time on earth.
Nehru replied. only one!
Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted, God awarded Nehru with a Celestial Rolls Royce!

Indira Gandhi was next, and God asked the same question.
She replied  she had two children, and God thought, not too bad, so he gave her a BMW.

Dr. Radhakrishnan was next in line.
God was not pleased to hear that  he had six children, and gave him a Morris-8 as a kind of punishment.

Sometime later, the three (Nehru, Indira and Radhakrishnan) going around in their new cars, saw Mahatma Gandhi on foot !!!
Wondering what went wrong; they asked why God hadn't been merciful with him.

The Mahatma replied in disgust, "God did not even ask me !!! *Some idiots had told him that I am the father of the whole
Indian nation!"*